No means no! It in no way means keep insisting and pushing me until I say yes. I will not change my mind if my first instinct is to say no.
There’s this misconception that’s been around for generations: that women never really mean it when they say “no.” That at the very least, a woman’s “no” really means “try harder” because they are “playing hard to get” or “they don’t’ know what they want.” But no on general consensus from every woman I have ever had the pleasure of discussing this issue with and there have been many – no always means no!
I seem to have tricked myself into believing that we, as a species, had reached a general understanding: if a woman or a man for that matter doesn’t want you, let her be.
This has happened to me on several occasions where I have said – I’m sorry you are not my type or, I am not interested in meeting up and somehow these words seem to mean – try harder; keep asking me over and over again and when you finally get tired of hearing no- you have the right to insult me and call me ugly; fat or a bitch. Today I was told I was a bitch because I could have at least said yes once and tried. Really? If i know you are not my type I should say yes just once? when I say no the second time what will happen? Will you hit me?
A few weeks ago someone on my friends list posted this on his facebook page “If she tells you no, you just ain’t ask her right.” I proceeded to lose it Just a little bit. To play Devil’s Advocate, maybe this was supposed to mean that the asker had no “game” or whatever. But the more I thought about it, it reminded me of street harassers who ask you about 15 questions (Can I walk with you? Can I have your number? You got a man? Do you want to be friends? Hi Flower! Aw Koxxa!!! Xghandna Zejza? (last few ones in Maltese))), refusing to be deterred, until you’ve said “no” so many times that you’re blue in the face and so fed up that you drop all attempts at niceness and shout at them. And then they get mad because “You could have just said no. You didn’t have to be rude.”
I don’t think I need to explain that this is part of rape culture – the not-respecting-women’s-space-or-sexual-autonomy-because-they’re-women, thing. No does not only mean no when it comes to consenting to sex. No means no if someone does not want to go out with you. It means no if they don’t want to give you their number. It means no if they don’t want to talk to you on the street. It means no if they don’t want to approve your friend request on Facebook. It means no if they don’t want to dance with you at a party. It means no if they don’t want you to buy them a drink.
We need to teach our children and adolescents what the meaning of No is. Teach them young and if your son or daughter does not want to hug or kiss someone don’t make them do it. So they can understand that when they say no that no should be respected.
No one is entitled to anyone else’s time, love and affection. These are things that must be willingly given. You can show your crush your best qualities, and hope for positive results…but if they shoot you down, you’ve just got to accept defeat. You can’t force someone to like you, and if feel you have to, I’m not sure that’s the right person for you.
Sure, there may be people who don’t respond to texts or calls immediately for a variety of reasons. Maybe they don’t want to seem “thirsty.” Maybe they want you to assume that they have a life. Maybe they’re one of these people who never look at their phone. Maybe they’re genuinely busy.
OR! – maybe they’re passive aggressively telling you they don’t want to meet you and they are not interested in a date. How many text messages have they failed to reply to? Are you the only one initiating conversation? Do not resort to begging and do not keep reaching out.
Over the years, this has happened a few times, and it doesn’t stop being worrisome, and sometimes scary.
Romantic comedies may tell the spurned lover to try and try again, but honestly, it’s not fair to the person doing the rejecting. Mainstream media need to really get their act together when it comes to this topic as well because we are instilling an idea that persisting until the point of no return is ok.
Still think it’s worth a shot to ask your crush out just one more time? Ask yourself these questions: Why have they turned me down? What was their tone? Do they officially seem creeped out by me at this point? Why am I still trying to “win” someone who doesn’t want me? And remember, a person isn’t a prize to be won!