Zip me up

DI have been living alone for a total of 8 years now (3 of those years spent abroad and 5 years here in Malta) and as much as I love the independence of living alone one of the biggest struggles I have faced as a single woman living alone is zipping up and unzipping my dresses at the end of an evening out.

There have been numerous times i have walked out with my dress slightly unzipped hoping to run into someone i knew well enough to ask them to zip my dress up. I am convinced that Zips have been designed either by women who have never been alone a day in their life or men who think zipping up and unzipping dresses is sexy.

And lets not forget the side zips – u manage to pull them up until u come to the bra and then you need to be a contortionist employed by the cirque the soleil to zip it up – and are you really going to walk out and ask someone to zip up your dress and put your armpit in their face? who do you know that well?

Over the past 8 years there have been numerous occasions where I spent hours doing my hair; make up; picking out the perfect dress; shoes; bag and accessories and then ended up doing moves only found in the Kama sutra to try and get my dress zipped up and ruining my hair and make up in the process – and trust me I have tried every trick in the book – I have put the dress on the front zipped it up and tried to turn it – but in order to get my arms in – I need to cut off my boobs and well thats not really an option seeing that dresses would not look good on me if i had no boobs.

I have tried attaching dental floss to the zipper and pulling it up – all i succeeded in doing was in getting the dress to smell of mint; my hands smelling of mint but alas the zipper is still positioned in the small of my back. I googled it more than once and found ideas about using a paper clip and a string – the paper clip ends up opening up and you are still half naked. I tried using a safety pin and ended up with an injured ass. Lets not forget the amount of dresses I have ended up throwing away because i either broke the zipper or ripped the dress trying to get it on in an unconventional way.

I mean seriously every day that goes by you think you’re a strong, independent woman — (read that in our empowering Beyoncé voice.) You can do anything you put your mind to – well, except for zipping yourself up in a dress.

For that, you’ll probably need to ask a husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or even a complete stranger sometimes (yes I have on one occasion resorted to asking a complete stranger to zip my dress up).

Lets not forget the struggle of getting out of the dress at the end of the evening – many times I forget to ask whoever drops me off to unzip me – I get inside my house; go to the toilet; have some water – walk upstairs to the bedroom and then it hits – Shit I need to get this death trap off and once again the acrobatics begin – there have been times i have slept in my dress and one time i actually cut it off with a pair of scissors as I could not stand having it on one more minute.

Well my rant is over – I still have not figured out how to zip up and unzip a dress myself! Is this a good enough reason to start looking for a boyfriend? You know so i have someone to help me get my clothes on and off …. hmm not sure! Single life is pretty awesome – we will see! Maybe designers will finally think of a more friendly way of closing up a dress.